It’s A Shame

“I can’t tell you all how many times you have shown up right when we were needing you to!”

“Do you know where I can go? I don’t know what to do!”

Client: “You’re an answer to my prayer.”

ROC Member: “Well, that’s interesting, because my prayer each morning is that I could be in a position each day to help be an answer to someone’s prayer.”

“Yeah, I am looking to retire from homelessness here pretty soon.”

“Heads up, there are two huge fires happening at two different encampments right now.”

“The one rehab that was looking to admit them denied their Medicaid. This is such a shame! I am having to drop them back off where they were because they are withdrawing so much that they need to go get more drugs. I’m afraid there may not be another chance to get them to rehab now.”

“They just came in here and beat me with a stick over a d@$! Lie! AHHH!! I can’t move! They’re saying I put my hands on her, and I promise I didn’t touch her!!”

“Hey! What’s going on with my housing? How’d this other person get housed before me? Where is mine at? What do I have to do? I have been out here longer than them!”

“I know I need to go take a shower, and I really want to, but I don’t have anyone to sit here and protect my stuff while I go to do that.”

“Oh, thank you for this food. I was about to go steal something so I would have something to eat today, but now I don’t have to do that.”

“Yep! I went to rehab, and now I have six months’ worth of sobriety under my belt! And I was able to go to court and get all my charges dropped! But the people who had my dog while I was gone got rid of her.”

ROC Member 1: “I find myself asking: What are we even doing or getting close to accomplishing out here?”

ROC Member 2: “Affirming that someone cares and wants nothing from them.”

Client: “I truly don’t feel like I deserve anything good, or for anything good to come my way. I know I am fully responsible for the situation that I have myself in, and I have to live with that. I mean, people used to live like this for thousands of years.”

ROC Member: “They did, and they also usually died in their 30s. And people who remain chronically homeless for long periods of time nowadayshave a life expectancy of around 55. The truth, whether you choose to accept it or not, is fine, but we will tell you and continue to tell you that you are a human being who is deserving of having the option to not continually live outside and instead live inside of their own housing, and good things are still an option for you to have in life.”

"Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change." -Brene Brown

"If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive." -Brene Brown

There is a real epidemic of widespreadshame that is currently touching countless lives. Shame is paralyzing. It serves as a stalling agent that keeps us from being active participants in our lives. Shame echoes statements of “You’re not good enough. Who do you think you are? You are a high school dropout. Your spouse left you. I know your past failures. You’re not smart enough, or strong enough, or capable of being employed. You’re an addict. You’re a thief. You’re dirt. Your parents never gave you attention and hurt you. You will never be enough!”

Shame is not guilt. Shame is a deeper and more crippling force than guilt. Guilt is “I did something bad.” Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I’m sorry I made a mistake.” Shame is “I’m sorry I am a mistake.” Shame is extremely connected to addiction, depression, violence, aggression, eating disorders, and suicide.

When it comes to people experiencing homelessness, the question can be asked:

How much of the struggle of being homeless is due to shame, whether that shame be in place before homelessness begins or shame being perpetuated by homelessness? It is hard to say.

A more important question that should and must be asked is:

What can or should you say or do that is most helpful when someone is wallowing in shame? Be radically and unexpectedly empathetic. Be brave enough and vulnerable enough to tell people that you too aren’t enough. That you too struggle. Take an emotional risk. Expose yourself to being uncomfortable but yet fully present with someone. Hold people in an unflinching positive regard despite what they have or haven’t done. Tell people the truth that they are not the sum of their mistakes. In other words, be courageous, because doing all of that is what real courage looks like. The real shame is the pride that stands in the way of courage.

Where there is isolation and disconnection, vulnerability has to be the bridge that provides a pathway back to community and connection.

#ROCAndRoll

#ROCRetrospective

#ItsAShame